I had a great day at work today. The weather made me feel less than perfect though. No sun drives me insane. I tried to keep in good spirits all day, I must say it was tough, but I did it.

The crazy thing just happened to me a second ago! I had this itch on my back, so I stopped typing to itch it, and my thumb ring fell off and straight down my shirt and I couldn't find it.

There are so many things that bother me. Today I couldn't help but feel neglected emotionally and psychically. It doesn't even have anything to do with how much Z gives me, I always feel like it's not enough. I have a problem with realizing that I am a lovable person. I feel as though no one could ever love me. So when things in my relationship change I start to panic and think that there is something wrong. I think back to the beginning all the time, when we used to just sit and make out. Well, that never happens now. I'm lucky if I get a passionate kiss once a week. Now, supposedly this is totally normal, that all relationships wind up going that way, no matter how much they love each other. I remember when he used to want to touch me for no reason, he would just touch me to touch me. Well now, we turn our backs to each other when we sleep, because 'we are' not comfortable the other way. It's strange how relationships do that. I do understand it, I just can't face it. I always feel like my loved ones are going to leave me or walk out on me. I have absolutely no reason to feel that way.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away from it all. Maybe by myself, maybe not. I would hate to leave Z. Life would not be the same. Of course, I don't plan to. I'm just saying. it would be so easy to just disappear and start a whole new life. I want a new everything. How do I get one of those? Do I walk up to a counter of some sort, in some sort of department store and ask? That would be crazy! But funny! hey buddy, I need a new everything. How much would that go for?

I often want someone to just save me. Save me from the pain, take it away. It doesn't seem to belong to me and if it does, I don't want it. It keeps haunting me. I try. I try so hard, sometimes too hard.

I just want a hug to be honest. Maybe to cry on someone's shoulder. Just cry it all out. I would like it to be with no questions. I wouldn't have the answers anyway. Just let me cry.