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2003-03-01 :: 11:36 p.m.
Today was extremely difficult to handle. I bet Z had a hard time handling it also, can't imagine what was going through his head. I was in agony. I was screaming out. I was yearning. I was hurting. I had no shame. I just bared the secret I had been keeping for the last few days. Z snapped back, and there I was sobbing uncontrollably. Hysteria. My eyes had grow puffy from the tears and I noticed my skin tightening up from the salted tears. I try to say humbly how sorry I was for wanting it so badly, and for hurting him with my words. Hurting him with my words, before, during, and after my little crisis. I had a crisis going on in my head, and I couldn't make it stop. The tears would not stop falling. I had been crying for so long I could feel the mucus dripping from my nose. I needed to stop. I just wanted to curl up in a ball, and lay down in a bed, and give up. I just wanted an answer to life. Give me one reason. Give me one reason to be happy. Somehow I managed to pull myself together by thinking I can be in solitude right now, if I need to be. All I needed to do was shut the world out. I wouldn't even let Z touch me, because he would break my shield of strength. Then the storm in my head calmed down, and I was able to be more relaxed. Tired. I was so worn out from doing nothing. Now I really wanted to go to bed. Just crawl in and wake up whenever. Don't try to wake me, I am too busy sleeping. All I wanted to do was be home at a certain time and relax. That's exactly what we all did. I put on my sweatshirt, got comfortable, and relaxed. Now I feel a bit better.

Sometimes I am such a big baby. I take tantrums. I would like them to be that. I have no idea what it is. Crying, sobbing, carrying on, babbling, laughing. Whatever turns me on for that moment. I need to stop. STOP. Please just stop. I wish I could slap myself silly, and when I was through I would have sense. If it were only that easy.

So far, I have only had a few days of success. I am still trying though. Boy, do I try. I feel like I do. I feel like I need to be sorry to everyone. I need to find out why. I need to find out so much.

Last 5 Entries:
Sprained ankle. - Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
Seventh Day. - Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
Third day. - Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004
The second day. - Friday, Feb. 27, 2004
Start. - Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004