I have been feeling great lately. I really can't afford his services, I have been bleeding my nest egg dry with going. I just can't justify how much money I spent on therapy in comparison(sp? someone please) to how little money I make every year. At the same time...... I know how much it has helped, and I know if I keep going I feel even better. I just can't. I don't even know what to talk about anymore when I am there, but I know there is still so much more lurking around in my head. I don't think it makes sense to bring up so much pain, when I have come to terms with it at this point in my life. When the pain comes back again and flashes those horrid memories back, then I think that's when I need to talk about it. I really don't know, but that's what's been circling around my brain lately.

My brother went out all day. Z had off of work, due to no work. Z said that he wasn't feeling well all day, but not sick, just depressed and couldn't come up with a reason for it. He just felt crappy. I did some side tonight, ran to the department store to pick some stuff up for my cousin's shower. I also made dinnder, and did some laundry. Then I did 2 days worth of work. Z straightened up and vaccuumed for me. Now he would say that he did alot and helped me out a great deal. Yes, he did help me out, but is that exactly 50-50? Does that seem fair? I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though I am Z and my brother's slave. I don't know how to change this without a big blow-up. Anyway when my brother got home, he came home and basically pissed all over who ever he could. He just kept complaing about some of the things me and Z do, that he doesn't like, and then he realizes he's wrong, never apologizes, and then tries to be all nice. My response to him lately has been...... you treat me like crap, and then realize that you have no reason to be angry, and now youu are trying to be nice? You actually want me to talk nice with you?

I just have been thinking so much lately. maybe it's a pity that I complain about so much, sometimes I think I just complain to complain? How come it's so easy to be so negative. I may have said this before...... it's easier to write about the negative in my diary, so I can try and live more positive in my life.

I wonder if reading this crap depresses people. It must seem like I'm just a miserable person. I swear I smile most of the time. The pain is inside me, and I keep alot of it secret.