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.....now where did I leave off? Oh, I have no idea, I don't feel like backtracking through this mind. I just got done putting away the laundry and mating socks. I normally do the laundry, I love doing the laundry, I don't know if it's part of my OCD or the pure joy of doing something that I feel is relaxing. -The mindless ritual it has become over the years, it gives me a sense of accomplishment without to much stress. It gives me time to think. Anyway, my brother did some laundry. I'm never sure when he does the laundry as to whether or not they are actually clean. You does put them in the washer and dryer, but he stuffs so much clothing into it that he might as well save himself the hassle of doing it because they don't really get clean that way. This doesn't make me mad, it makes me feel disappointed. It disappointments me because he does everything half-assed. And I mean everything. He doesn't care about himself in anyway. This makes him grumpy. He would never admit that. How do I sit back and watch someone I love, just not care? It pains me. That is how I wound up becoming the 'caretaker'. I don't like the caretaker in me. I obsess over it. I care too much about others. I feel as though he does it on purpose, you know, not care. he doesn't care because it keeps people at a distance. I notice that he does things half-assed because he doesn't want to be told he does something well, in fear that someone will ask for his help with something. He just wants to be a slug. I was obsessed with my brother's life at times. I feel like I care enough for both me and him. He's too old for me to be feeling that way about him. He should be old enough to do normal human activities, like taking care of his own home. I feel as though I got so involved with caring about his life, that I stopped living mine. My anxieties would take over and the stress of it all would take over and I became an unconstructive human being. I struggle with that everyday. I think I became obsessed with me trying to fix his problems. My heart would ache at the thought of him. People treat him differently. I struggle with things like that everyday. I feel a bit better having spent so much time at the psychologist. Lately I have been hanging more in my room because I like a little bit of time to myself. This makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I don't want to always hang out with my brother and he has a way of making people feel bad about it without even saying anything. Then I feel bad for being angry about that statement. I'm glad Z finally went back to work. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning and him not be in bed with me. I love him sleeping with me every night but I know when I open my eyes, I get a couple hours of guilt free -doing whatever I want to do. It's just for a few hours and then I'm back into reality. |