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2003-06-12 :: 10:39 p.m.
Z should be on his way home soon. I didn't get home too long ago. We don't normally spend too much time apart, so this feels weird.

I'm watching the news, waiting for the weather to come on. For some reason watching the news right before I go to bed, it makes my night feel complete. After I'm done watching I'll start getting ready for bed.

I had another great day. My session with the doctor went very well. I feel good about my doctor! Things are going well, he is actually helping me. I've been waiting so long for some help. I'm seeing alot of improvement in myself. I feel like I am a much stronger person, I can make my own decisions, and feel okay about it.

Something strange came up in therapy today. While I was growing up, if someone ever asked anyone........ Are you alright?, Or are you okay? I always felt the answer to the question was I'm fine. No matter what. Hey, your arm is falling off..... are you alright? Yeah, great. That screwed my life big time. I always felt like I was never allowed to need someone else, or I felt like I always had to be okay...... no matter what. Or just don't talk about how you feel. I held everything in. I felt like asking for help was not okay. You need to be able to do it on your own.

You see, my mom raised me and my brother by herself. When someone offered help, she wouldn't swallow her pride and take it. And when she did take it, she always made comments that seemed like she was embarrassed. So therefore I grew up believing, you cannot ever ask anyone for help. Don't let people know you need help. She never said these things, but I saw it.

When I needed a hug, I was never able to ask. I was never avle to ask for the attention I needed. I was never able to cope with the pain I was feeling inside. I wasn't able to ask for anything. I often felt guilty and not important. Most times I believe I felt this way for no reason. Sometimes I just need a hug.

Last 5 Entries:
Sprained ankle. - Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
Seventh Day. - Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
Third day. - Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004
The second day. - Friday, Feb. 27, 2004
Start. - Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004