Anyway today was great for me. The sun was out all day, but it's raining now. I got up early this morning to do some side work. I made $20. So with that money I went and bought Z and me a roast. I cooked it in the crock pot all day, with carrots and potatoes, and of course gravy. It was delicious. After that we watched a movie called 'Love Liza', it was okay, but a very disturbing movie about suicide. Not very graphic, just very emotional...... it was okay. Then we went over my cousins' house and watched some TV and talked for a few hours. Now we are winding down for bed. It was a perfect day.

Me and Z have been married a month today! It went by so quickly and sometimes I still can't believe we are really married. It's like a dream, and I'm afraid to wake up from it.

That brings me to this.... what am I so afraid of? Why am I so afraid to live, really start living. It makes no sense. To everyone else my life always seems perfect, yet I never feel like 'I' am perfect. In life, I can't help but wonder what else is out there? This can't be all there is too life. Get up in the morning, work, dinner, go to the bathroom, and sleep? Love and be loved? Do I have it all already? I can't possibly believe that. If I have it all, why don't I feel like I do? Is there something better here? What is my purpose in life? I have to be needed for more than I am now. I feel like a little fish in a huge pond. I feel as though I need to make a difference, but don't have the power to it. Where is the key? Where are the answers?

On a happier note.... I really did good with not over eating today, or obssessing about anything else today. That was a great accomplishment, to realize I can make it through the day, not using silliness as a crutch. WooHOO! I feel on top of the world.

P.S. My doctor did say to stop using the word but, and the phrase yes, but. I do need to work on that!